Happy 3rd Marriage Anniversary, baby!
Do you realize that I actually call my husband "baby"? In the beginning of my marriage, I still called him his name "Cu." Even I know some people like to call their girlfriend/boyfriend, fiances, or spouses in different "better" way, such as "honey", "darling", and etc... I still didn't get used to call him any of those.
Maybe it was from my culture where I grew up, those callings was too intimate. For person like me, I prefer to call everyone their names, including my own husband. THAT, was in the beginning of our marriage...
Three years have passed. I don't even remember since when did I start calling him "baby". Maybe it was because he always called me "baby", and I learned from him gradually. We are each other's "baby", to be spoiled and loved...
I try to remember why did we get married in the beginning. And I started thinking how did he attract me when we first met...
I am falling into those memories where we spent a lot of times together, getting to know each other and be each other's supports... It was far... yet feel like yesterday.
Yesterday when I left the home for work, I actually cried on the way to work, thinking about what you said before I left home. I stopped my car in a shopping complex, one block away from my work so that no one I knew would see me cried.
Most of the times I cry now is not because I was hurt, most of the times I cry now is because how much I know there is less of you in my heart each time you disappointed me. I cried because I know I, myself doesn't let me to tolerate anything that you do that could hurt me now. I hate the part of me who is cold inside, I want to be sentimental like before. But for some reason, there is another voice telling me not to be soft hearted again. I need to move on. I am giving you and myself this many chances.... but at the same time, I am keeping the scores of how many times you are ruining the opportunities for us to be better. When it hurts again, my heart sinks again. I guess there is how many times a fish have to swim to the top of the water to catch the breath when they are short of air in the bottom of the sea. I couldn't breath either.
I started to think about us.
You made dinner for me when I told you I didn't feel like going out for celebration anymore last night when I came back from work. I put down my purse and started solving the math problems that Somnang texted me for Bettina. I turned on the lamp that was next to our bed, and I took a piece of paper and wrote down all those numbers. I felt smart when I knew that I could solve the problems right away. I found the answer in my head even before I wrote it down. It was algebra. I remember it very well.
Somnang was shocked that I sent her the answers back within 5 minutes. She said she knew that I would know how to solve those math problems because she knew that I was smart. It hurt a little to hear compliments like that as I felt like I should have finish my school earlier, not sitting here to listen to those compliments.
What am I doing?
Never was I so clear about what I want to do with my life. I went to finish the dinner that you made for me, and hugged you from the back to thank you for being a good husband for me. You gave me a kiss on my lips, and you turned around to play your computer game again.
I was sitting next to you, watching you playing your game. I asked a lot of questions about your game, but honestly I was bored watching you played. I left the room and snuggled on the couch with a huge blanket. I was watching this "Newlywed Games", and the couples just made me laughed none stop.
You came by to check on me and I asked you to stay to watch the show with me. You watched a little and said that the show was stupid and silly, and told me to enjoy it myself. I rolled my eyes. If you really paid attention, this show was about how much the couple understood each other. And I always asked myself when the questions were throwing to the couples on the show if I knew the answers too. How much do you understand me? I also want to know now.
I know you know that I love to eat, seafood is my favorite. I know that you like to eat big chunk of meat, but not ground meat. We both don't like vegetables and hardly eat fruits. We are both unhealthy couples in the world that can tolerate each other's eating habits.
How much do you know about me, baby? I laid in your arms when I was watching the tv show. I really love to cuddle with you anytime anyplace. Cuddling makes me forget about why I cried in the morning and why would I care? In your arms, I always feel like the luckiest woman in the world, so you should cuddle with me more!
All I want from you is this much of times to spend with me. When you do that, I tend to forget everything I complained about you.
I know it well that I love you when I was in your arms. And I know it well that I hate you when you push me away with your arms.
Three years of marriage, baby, three years already.
Why I feel like it has been forever and need to get out from this cage??
I started looking for the key that can unlock the door. I know it is bad, but I can't help to stop it.
I know you have been doing a lot for me lately, but I feel like it is almost too late for me.
Maybe we both will grow to be a better person when we are apart from each other? Don't you think so?
Sometimes relationships do need some spices to heat things up a little.
As for us... What is the best for us?
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