February 21st was Paige's birthday. Paige is Cu's family first grandchild, of course her grandparents is doing a huge celebration for her first birthday in Savannah, where all her family members are.
I took a whole day off yesterday, knowing that I haven't buy any birthday present and determined to get a present for this little girl. Paige is not only Pham's first grandchild, she is also my first niece. She is a cute little girl who deserved all the loves from everyone around her. Yes, I love her! Even I don't spend as much time as everybody else, but she is a dear to my heart!
I understood how Vietnamese tradition is to give little girl some money in an envelope as a present to her birthday. But I still would like to do something against this tradition, a gift for her! A gift that can make her happier, even she is already a happy girl for her age! I bought two gifts for her in the end after shopping for whole day: a 2-in-1 ride that can help her to learn walking, and also a learning tool for animal sounds. Last time when she was here, I saw she was having fun listening to those youtube musical about animal sounds. I hope she will like the gifts that I had been shopping for.
Dear little Paigey, today is your first birthday celebration. Although you might never see this blog even by the time when you start to learn how to read, Auntie Yen still wants to wish you all the BEST through out your life. Wish you have a happy life ahead of you! Stay happy and be loved as always!!
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As the times moved on, it was a very boring day for me in Savannah.
I don't know why, but I just couldn't blend in with Cu's family and friends in Savannah.
I am sorry that I don't like to drink hard liquors. But I think it is the most stupid idea to make myself feel horrible for the rest of the day after drinking hard liquors. I totally stayed out of it.
Everyone tried to get me to drink. Everyone said the same thing "Just drink one shot with me for the first time!". After drinking the "first shot" with each one, can you actually count how many people on the floor that I haven't drink with them?? Unbelievable!! I started to stand firm and said "NO". Especially on these days, I don't easily give up on being convinced to do what I do not like to do.
I said "no" to almost everyone who asked me to drink. Cu even tried to make me to drink, telling me not to be rude. I started to stare at him when he said that to me. I ignored him when he talked to him. If you are gonna tell me to drink because it's a manner issue, then I will have a huge issue with you, I hinted him. He was not happy, so did I.
I pretended to fall asleep on the couch after everyone coming back from the birthday party and kept asking me to drink with them. Cu's younger sister and his mom told me to go to sleep in the master bedroom when we were at Cu's youngest sister's new house. No choice, they didn't have any guest room, one is baby room, and another is a 9 years old boy's bedroom. I went inside the room, did take a little nap, but the rest of the time, I turned on my phone to read my Chinese novel.
To be honest, I really couldn't blend in with everyone who just wanted me to drink with them. I can drink beer, but not hard liquors, it gives me a very bad hangover! I don't like the feeling, so why do I need to torture myself like that?
I got out from the bedroom after two hours when I could hear Cu's loud voices. When it happened, I knew Cu was basically drunk. He always did that when he was drunk, acted like a completely idiot or entertainer who made everyone laughed for his stupid gestures! I rolled my eyes and told him to shut up. There were a little baby who was barely one month old sleeping next to him, and then there was Paige who just turned one year old.... I really didn't care if he was drunk or not, I just wanted him to shut up and stop being so annoying!!
He finally quiet down when I told him I would go home with his mom and Linh when they were about to take Paige with them. He didn't understand why. I rolled my eyes again. I had been in the same house for the half day and looked what I was doing?? NOTHING!! I was bored to death and really, I didn't have anything to talk to anyone of them, and I didn't want to drink with anyone of them! I was basically sitting down on the couch and watched the movie. What was the movie about? I really didn't know, everyone was talking so loud, it was impossible for me to understand what was actually going on! I was really angry!
I kept telling myself, "Please remind me not to come here again next time!". But then turn around and think, we only came here once a while for special event, so how am I going to say "no"? For example, I would love to come here for Paige's first birthday party! But I really don't like being the outcast who doesn't like to drink and who doesn't have anything to talk to anyone. Does he understand? I don't know. Did I tell him about how I feel? Absolutely yes! But does he really understand what it really means? I wonder.
I kept telling Cu, "maybe you should really move down here to Savannah" whenever we were on the car by ourselves. He asked "why". I said he could move here and hang out with his friends and be closed to his family while I go to California to further my education. 1st: I don't have to worry if he doesn't have anyone to take care of him. 2nd: I can really focus on my education and don't have to worry about my "housewife's housework". 3rd: He really can make a lot of money from working with his dad! 4th: He will be closed to his parents and they will not complaint anymore about how he never takes care of his family. 5th: His wife can finally finish her education that he really wanted her every since we were married! 6th: He can have his own life, playing his computer games, drinking with his friends, without his wife to tell him "no".
He kept asking "why". He kept saying why would I punished him like that?
Punishment? I thought he would be happier to be "single" again. At least to be away from me and do whatever he really wants to do in his ways.
This is my Plan B. To make him feel like I am really going to leave him for quite a long time to be ALONE.
Tiffany asked if we are going separate ways in the end? I told her I don't know. But I have nothing to lose. She said I still mentioned about many things that I wanted to do with Cu everytime when Tiffany and I talked about dinner and stuffs, obviously I still love him, she said. Yea I agreed.
Nothing to lose? Tiffany asked again. And I paused for quite a long time.
Here is the thing, if giving him what he wants will make me to lose him, then there is nothing I want from a person who cannot give me what I want.
In Chinese we always say, "Long pain is worse than a short pain". I truly believe into it.
If he cannot take the action, I will be the leader to end this. If someone has to be the bad guy, let me be. I don't need him to do all the ugly works to make him like the bad guy.
One more chance is to prolong the pains. I don't know how long I can take this, but my heart is telling me to end this very fast.
The more it goes, the more I become clear about what I really want to do.
Am I going to end this relationship in the end? Honestly, I don't know yet.
But I am doing what I am supposed to do to try to make him realize that what he is doing is not helping our marriage.
Our 3rd Marriage Anniversary is coming on Tuesday. I seriously think that he is behaving very good since the Valentine's day. He spent a lot more times with me now and he cares more about me now.
But every now and then, I still wonder, how long can this last? Am I being demanding? Am I being selfish? Or am I asking too much?
Until one day I might realize what I did was wrong and what I lost was the most precious thing I ever have... But before this day has come, I am just going to tell myself, I gotto keep moving on with my life.
10:59pm at Hang's house, their master bedroom. Cu is drunk and sleeping on their master bed. Hang let us to have their room while they sleep in Paige's room. Terrie who came with us is sleeping on the couch. Since I just woke up from my nap and drinking my first cup of coffee, I am wide awake and using Hang's laptop in the master bedroom. Cu is snoring and sleeping very soundly.
Cu, I love you, but sometime I really cannot handle you when you are drunk. I know you don't drink often, but it still gets to me when I see you acting like an idiot in front of everyone. It annoyed me. Why my husband is behaving like that? I looked at you and wondered. Do you know that you actually like to yell at me when you are drunk? Sometimes I believe that the way how people behave when they are drunk is actually their true personalities. Like me, I am very quiet when I am drunk, or I will just fall asleep. I never scream or cry or yell at anyone. It is just me.
I really want to believe that you are paying more attention to what I need now. I can see it from the daily life since the Valentine's day. I want to believe that whatever I told you before the Valentine's day did work on our marriage. But when I am not happy, I am just easily to be heart broken and confused again.
What do you really want from our marriage? I asked many times.
What do I really want from our marriage? I know the answer very well now.
You see.... I am doing this for both of us and our marriage.
Either way you choose, it's for the best of both of us.
Don't make me think that marriage is the funeral of the relationship. I still believe in the fairy tales. I still want to believe that every girl has the prince in their life and lift them up when they are down. I still want to believe that my first marriage is going to last forever.... So please don't make me to do my ultimate plan... To ruin my own hope in the marriage.
As for right now... I just want to be freed. Do you understand how sad it is to make myself believe that it is actually better for me to be away from my own husband, my marriage?
Two more days will be our 3rd year Anniversary. I really don't have any expectation from you anymore. And I actually told my manager that I will work on Tuesday lunch. I might do something special or not, depending how tired I will be on Tuesday.
Cheer to our 3rd Anniversary... I really really hope that this year is going to be a better year for us. Or maybe, this is the year we should be apart to learn what we really want from our marriage. It is for worse or better, I think it is up to what happen during the separation.
Before May 10th has come... I am giving myself many more chances to learn more about you and myself.
To my husband, I love you very much, that's why I expect many things from you. I am sorry that I have so much expectation, but if I don't, I won't even be satisfied. Then why do I need a husband in my life?
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